I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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