If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
