the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
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Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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