I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
