man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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