I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
