I seem to have left my pride at pride
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
