what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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