I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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