There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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