I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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