So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
