The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
