I accidentally had phone sex last night
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
