I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
