Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
