Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
