You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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