dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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