I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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