Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
