call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
