i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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