you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
