I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
