Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
