dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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