Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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