He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
