Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
