don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it because I queefed?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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