Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my shit smells like andre
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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