Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
