If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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