can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
