I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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