I hope mine doesn't look like that
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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