I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
