She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
