your parents love me but you hate me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
