I love black thongs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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