mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i think my tv is drunk
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
last night I used snow as a chaser
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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