Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
