M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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