Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
