Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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