Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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