He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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