drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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