please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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