i think my mom watched the whole time
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
