Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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