you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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