Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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