Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
