That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm at about main and main street
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
