His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
