I think I died a long time ago.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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