Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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