i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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